Thursday, January 26, 2017

Heart Attack/Tear in my Heart

I have avoided writing about my heart attack because I didn't want to RE-LIVE the nightmare.  Because it was a nightmare.  It was shocking.  It was traumatic.  But since so many people have asked me about it (and I want to educate others on the signs) I have decided to finally do it.  I'm hoping it will be therapeutic for me also...

First you need to understand some background information- From July to Oct 2016 things in my life were abnormally and extremely stressful to say the least.  Without giving too many details about that I will just say that there were shocking events (cancer, suicide attempts, opposition) involving family members that broke my heart and rocked my world.  I cried everyday for months and months.  I am not even exaggerating.  I literally cried every. single. day.  I couldn't cope as well with my roles as mother and teacher and homemaker, everything was in survival mode.  Not a fun way to live.  I wouldn't suggest that to anyone.  But it's really really REALLY hard to turn off emotions.

After a VERY hard weekend and emotional breakdown we come to Weds, Oct. 5th 2016.  I was at school, going about a relatively normal day, and noticed some back pain where I couldn't get comfortable sitting, standing, or walking.  So I took some ibuprofen to see if it would help.  The day before I had walked with a friend and thought it was hurting from that.  Back pain for me is not unusual due to my weight and "blessings" in front haha.  But this pain was different in that it radiated in the upper middle part.  My parents called earlier and my dad asked me how I was dealing with the stress.  I laughed and said, "Dad, I cry and I eat my feelings." He said, "Well you have GOT to find a different way to deal with stress!"  (Yeah, no kidding, I realize it's not healthy, but I had NO idea what was coming)  I kept working as late as I could before I went to pick up Chelsea from daycare.  Because I'm a teacher and teachers work a crazy amount of time and NEVER feel caught up, like ever!  I got my cute little nugget from daycare and started driving home when it HIT me!  Like a huge wrecking ball through my chest.  The pain was all through my chest, down both arms, and up into my jaw.  My first thought was it's a panic attack because I had been an emotional wreck the past several months.  Totally makes sense.  Panic Attack.  Crazy painful panic attack! I haven't had a panic attack in 15 years!  I called Tom right away because he can usually talk me through it and calm me down.  I could barely talk and I was crying because of the pain and I was scared.  He agreed and thought it must be a panic attack.  I kept repeating "I just have to get home, I just have to get home"  I kept driving and talking to him (I only work a few miles from home) but looking back I really should NOT have been driving... 

Lesson 1- do not drive if you think you are having a heart attack.

4:30 - When I got home all my kids were there, I threw my phone to Sydney and told her to talk to Tom.  I went upstairs and tried to lay down for a second but the pain was too much.  I asked Zack to get me some Excedrin and took 2 of those.  I was pacing and crying and trying to breathe.  I then called my mom on Sydney's phone and told her what was happening, she called Emma (my sister who's a Dr) on the other line while she and my dad were telling me to go to the ER.
Me- "It's probably a panic attack but the pain won't stop, it hurts so bad! Why isn't the pain stopping?"
Dad- "Let the paramedics decide if it's a panic attack!  Call 911!" he was shouting because he was worried.  :)
Me- "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do"

My poor kids were just following me around, watching wide eyed and worried.  Tom was already on his way home and we decided he would take me to the hospital.
**** This is where you SHOULD call an ambulance****  

Lesson 2- If you think you are having a heart attack CALL 911, do not waste valuable time driving to the hospital.  You need medical attention right away!  Your heart is literally dying.  Every second counts! 

But in the moment none of us were thinking straight.  Sydney helped me get to the van and I waited for Tom, crying, and trying to breathe.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I felt nauseous.  It literally felt like I was having a baby out of my chest!  No, It was worse!  I can handle labor better than this!
Zack stood on the porch watching me and waiting for Tom.  It broke my heart seeing how stressed he was.  The littles wanted to come with me.  Tom got home super fast and we got to the ER around 5:00.  They took me back right away and started tests.  I just wanted the pain to stop.  Everyone kept asking if I had been under a lot of stress, I would just chuckle then cry and say yes.  They gave me morphine which did NOT do a thing for the pain!  Stupid worthless morphine.  I hate morphine.  They did a chest x-ray, blood work, and EKG.  Within 20 min they told me my heart was showing damage and they needed to transport me to Utah Valley because they don't take care of cardiac issues in this hospital.  Now I really started to feel panic and shock.  Seriously?  A heart attack?  No way.  They gave me the miracle medicine- Nitroglycerin- wow, that stuff is amazing!  It took the pain to a tolerable level.  And then Heparin through an IV.  Finally the pain subsided!  I told the staff I actually wanted this to be a panic attack and not a heart problem.  Can we go back to just a panic attack?  Please?  Please?  Do I need to talk to my kids?  My family?  Am I dying?  :( 

5:30- They put me in the ambulance and turned the sirens on!  Really?  Sirens = near death.  There is nothing that compares to that panic.  Sheesh, my heart sank and I felt like I was going into shock.  My blood pressure shot through the roof and it was already high!  The EMT kept assuring me they have to turn the sirens on and I was ok.  I didn't believe him.  Tom had to drive separate.  He said it was hard to watch. He told me it made him cry.  Tom never cries.  In 20 years I have NEVER seen him cry.  Tear up yes, cry no.  When we got to the hospital in Provo they took me to the Cardiac ICU, wait what?  How serious is this??? I do not like the sound of "ICU" that's where people die.... more panic.  Am I going to die?  What's going on with my heart?  More tears.  At least the beds in ICU are totally amazing!  It's like an adjustable air mattress but 100 times better!  Lots of nurses and Dr's came to talk to me about what would happen next and asked me what I was doing here since I am so young.  Seriously, I'm not supposed to be here, this is all a mistake, let me go home.  And yes thanks, I am STILL YOUNG!  They explained the procedure they would do- to go in through an artery (in my wrist or leg) to look at my heart and see what had happened.  It could be a number of things, a blockage, or "broken heart syndrome", or heart disease.  They didn't mention a tear.  Since I was relatively stable they wouldn't do the cardiac catheterization until the next day.  For the next 12+ hrs I had regular tests done every 2 hours and an echocardiogram.  I couldn't eat until after the surgery.  I wasn't hungry anyway.  My parents came to stay with me when Tom went home to be with the kids.  It was nice to not be alone.  When I was alone I had time to process everything.  I didn't like that.  They did the cardiac catheter at 2:00pm on Thursday.  I was very nervous since we still didn't know what had happened.  Was it a blockage?  Do I have heart disease?  They keep you awake during the surgery though I was REALLY out of it.  They tried going through the wrist first but said my heart was positioned different so they had to go through my leg.  Lovely.   That is not a fun recovery.

THE DIAGNOSIS-  I had a tear in my LAD (left anterior descending) artery that caused a blockage.  The LAD is called the "widow maker".  They usually find out it was a tear postmortem.  Wow.  I am not meant to leave Earth yet.  Thank Goodness!  My condition is referred to as "SCAD" Sudden Coronary Arterial Dissection "SCAD is an extremely uncommon cause of acute coronary syndrome with an incidence of 0.1% among patients undergoing cardiac catheterization. More than 70% of the reported cases are diagnosed postmortem. Typically, SCAD involves the left coronary system (75% of all SCAD) and is usually reported in women."  My condition happens to women in their 30's-40's and can be because of stress, hormones, and genetics.

Lesson 3 The signs of a heart attack- I had most of these but not all
Back pain
Severe chest pain or just pressure in chest
Shortness of breath- like you just ran up a flight of stairs
Pain down arms
Pain in jaw and face
Nauseousness, lightheadedness
Stomach pain

So it's a miracle how everything happened and I'm still here. Miracle because of priesthood blessings and God's will.  Miracle because of modern medicine. 

For more information see this link

It's a good outcome considering the alternatives-
1. I don't have any blockages and  
2. I don't have heart disease...

1) I get to be on heart meds for the rest of my life.  And blood thinners for at least a year.   Let's just say that being on blood thinners BEFORE menopause is no walk in the park.  But I'm not complaining.  #happytobealive  Every time I ask my cardiologist something he says, "Oh yes, I forget you are younger than most of my patients and they don't have those problems..." awesome.
2) No further surgery or stents.  Time will heal my heart but I have to avoid stress and avoid strenuous exercise because it can happen again.

This can happen again????  Boo!!!!  ... so how do I prevent it?  Take heart meds forever AND decrease stress in my life.  Oh yeah, like that's easy.  Sure.  MAYBE, just maybe... if I could cut out the stress of money, health, working full time, and if family members could stop breaking my heart....and if I had a house-cleaner, a cook, a therapist, and a personal assistant to help me at school...maybe, just maybe my stress would go down... :)   :)

None of that is going to happen in this lifetime so how do you decrease stress in your life?  Any suggestions would be welcome!  I have tried really hard to get enough rest and not to take on too much.  Tom has done EVERYTHING at home- cooking, cleaning, laundry.  He makes me rest.  The kids have also helped a lot.  I try hard to not let others' bad decisions/actions/agency affect me as much.  Do you understand how hard that is?  That in itself is a miracle from God.  I asked for His help.  He gave it.  I wish I had an emotion chip in my brain that I could just turn off (like Data from star trek).  I am not a fan of opposition.  Yes I am learning and growing and keeping my faith, but I do not like opposition.  It stinks.  Although it would be worse if I didn't have God in my life.  I am thankful for that.  He helps me get through the opposition. 

All this time I was in the hospital my family, our sweet church community, and my work community took care of my kids, brought in meals, drove my kids around, and helped clean.  It was amazing how well we were taken care of!  Lots of people visited me in the hospital and after I was home on bed rest for 3 weeks.  My whole family is SO grateful for the service that was given!  What blessings!

It has taken a LONG time to get back to "normal".  My new normal is an adjustment.  When I first got home I could only stand for 30 seconds at a time. Now it's January and I can walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes at 2 mph.  Don't laugh, I know that's only a stroll but for me and my weak heart it's a workout!  As long as I keep moving forward I am happy with the progress.  I wear a heart monitor to make sure my heart is not overworking.  I have been going to cardiac rehab a few times per week and that has helped me SO much!  I feel weird being there because everyone is 70+ yrs old, but they are all so sweet! I absolutely love my older friends!   It's in Provo right next to the hospital and it's only open from 8:45-11:00 so it's hard for me to get there with teaching.  But I go when I can.  It's like having a personal trainer but you're all hooked up to monitors and your trainer is a nurse.  If you ever have a heart issue DO the cardiac rehab!  It works in multiple areas.  When I first started I was so scared to exert myself in ANY way because my heart would race, I would get dizzy and light headed, and nauseous.  But the comfort of knowing my heart was ok and being monitored gave me confidence.  It's literally crazy how your confidence drops when you have a heart attack.  It's kind of an important muscle.  So to say I had some post traumatic stress is an understatement.  And Tom for sure has it too, he's convinced I only have a year or two to live.  I really hope he's wrong because I'm committed to be here until the second coming!  Plus I am not going anywhere until my kids are all grown up!  I refuse!  And I hope my plan aligns with God's plan...I know I am in His hands.

Things I am doing now are paying attention to my eating patterns, trying to get movement into my day, and getting rest (physical, emotional, spiritual).  I have also started going to weight watchers.  Their eating plan is the SAME for a healthy heart diet!  Yay!  I love weight watchers!  I love the meetings!  Hoping to make small, permanent changes to my mindset and unhealthy relationship to food.

So now you know most of the story.  The nitty gritty.  Life isn't always cupcakes and rainbows.  But I will never again complain about my birthdays and getting older.  What a blessing it is to be here and have more time!  Each day is a gift! 

Fun fact- when I found out it was a tear I had a song running through my head the ENTIRE time at the hospital and it will forever be my song- "Tear in my heart" by Twenty One Pilots.  Thanks to my kids I love that band.

My cardiologist said something that forever changed my thinking on exercise.  He said, "You don't exercise to lose weight.  You exercise to make your body strong and feel good."  I kind of knew that already but hearing it in the cardiac ICU made such an impression on me!  Whenever I started an exercise program I always expect to lose weight, like immediately!  And when I don't, I give up because why put in the effort if I'm not going to lose weight?  Now my motivations are SO different.  I do not think of weight AT ALL.  Exercise is just to make me feel good and get my body (heart) strong.  That Dr's statement changed my life.  So little by little I am trying, I won't give up.

Now some fun pics- I don't have pictures of my littles because they were a bit traumatized seeing me in the hospital and wouldn't come too close.  Chelsea was SO mad at me for being gone.  Poor baby girl. 

gifts from family and friends!  :)

Savannah surprised me and came from Idaho!!  :)  :)  :)

The wrist ouchie

They were so mean to me with all the pokes...

My poor puffy feet but at least I had a pedicure done the week before.

I feel like a pharmacy

It's hard being away from family so I loved when they came and snuggled with me!

Snap chat filters are fun

Sydney is making fun of me

Chelsea just wanted to cuddle all the time when I got home! 

One of my favorite quotes!

If you made it to here I am impressed.

Take care of yourself, take care of your heart.

#heartattack #SCAD #cardiacrehab #cardiacICU #UVRMC  #takecareofyourheart #heartattacksigns  #happytobealive #preisthoodblessings #lds #faithheals #GodisGood #specialeducationteacher #workingmom #spedteacher #weightwatchers

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


I have made a decision...

I have decided to try Medifast again AND go to Weight Watchers meetings each week.  I need to do something.  I do not have $20k for surgery so this is what I have to do for now.  And I realize this will be a lifelong struggle for me.  I have family and friends who are on my side and are a great support.  Tom is started to do this with me too, which is great!  :)  Even at work I have a bunch of people who want to do a support group and be a healthy, encouraging team.  I am trying to psych myself up because I know how hard this is going to be...

On another note, I am going to start a war with my insurance company because I think it's disgusting and wrong that they flat out DENY anyone who needs surgery OR even any weight loss programs.  There are many insurances that cover Medifast and other programs and surgeries.  Mine probably doesn't because there are so many overweight teachers and they would make no profit.  Why are there so many over weight teachers?  Because we are stressed out times a million and work 60+ hours a week and literally have no time for ourselves!  This is why we are teachers, we put others needs before our own needs.  We also don't have time to eat regularly, or use the bathroom.  I'll keep you posted on my progress if I make any...

It's Tuesday and Day 2 of Medifast.  The first 4-5 days are crucial and the worst!  Detoxing from sugar and carbs really stinks (but I am keeping my diet Pepsi because come on I need some kind of treat!)  Getting my body into a mild fat burning state is so hard, because the part of my brain that craves sugar starts a war, and it is a battle.  It's also not the best timing to start right after Easter and birthdays, with all this chocolate and cake in the house, but I just could not do one more day of living this trapped, painful, depressing way.  And I have got to stop making excuses and take care of me.

I definitely use food for comfort, and food to celebrate, and food when I'm bored, and food for social activities, and food for stress.  It kinda sucks that I can't cut out food completely like when someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they can give it up completely and avoid situations involving it.  How in the heck can I do that with food???  I cannot.  My body will always need food.  But what I can do is train my brain to have a healthy relationship with food and view it as fuel for my body.  We all deal with issues differently and since I can't/won't self medicate with drugs and alcohol I have learned to use food.  Way to go Sal.  :(

I really hope I can keep this going.  And I am really involving God this time because I need Him.  And He can help me.

Here's how I feel seeing yummy Costco cake and Easter candy all over my house...

I am now done with DAY 3 and so far everyone has survived.  Hooray!  Although I have warned my family to tread lightly around me...I am really cranky and really tired.

If I can make it through the first week I can make it all the way.  :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Ok, Maybe I can't..

It's now been 2 years this month since I started Medifast and lost 70 lbs! And 1 year since I transitioned to regular food.  And...I gained back all my weight plus 20 lbs.  I must've missed it...  :(

I let myself down, I let others down, I let my family down.  :(

I guess I can't do hard things, or at least I can for a while but not sustain it.  :(

Why can't I get over this?  I know my body is a gift from God and my Savior died for it, so why don't I take care of it????   Why is this so hard???

I think one of the problems is that I am completely overwhelmed ALL the time, no time for me, only survival.  I barely take care of my home and my job.  I am always last on my list.  But I really am ok with that.  I love taking care of my kids at home and at school.  My brother recently told me I just need to eat better and exercise.  He has done really well with this, he also has more time and only 2 kids.  I am happy for him.  Trying to do that with no time and no energy and no sleep is virtually impossible.  And being a woman also doesn't help, it seems like men can just change a few things and lose weight easier than women. 

So I am back to no hope.  I am back to wishing for surgery...or a tape worm.  Seriously though, it would save my life.  I just had a visit with my Dr. and I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, decreased liver function, and a high risk for diabetes.  :(  And why doesn't insurance want to save my life???  Why won't they pay for weight loss surgery???  Would they rather pay for meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and diabetes???  Or maybe they would rather have me die???  Ugh.  It's so hopeless.

I want to do Medifast again but I am so scared to fail YET AGAIN at something.  It is SO hard to do.  It also costs money but at the same time saves money and helps our family eat better. 

I am feeling so lost and overwhelmed.  I am so sick of being sick and tired all the time.  I need some hope.  I have been looking at surgery on and off for years.  It scares me to death.  It has risks.  but so does staying on the path I am on now.

I realize that although I cannot do hard things by myself,  I CAN do hard things with God.  Maybe I have been going about this all wrong?  I have a trial and weakness that I cannot overcome alone.  Maybe if I let God help me I can conquer this.

I will let you know what happens.  Either by some miracle I come into $20k and get surgery OR I do medifast again adding some classes on top of that (weekly addiction classes through the church or weight watchers)

Wish me luck...again...and again...

Me and my cute family and brother at Temple Square

Eating at Brick Oven

I hate pictures of me...

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Finally, an update. A short one, like me. :)

Wow, my last post was 5 months ago!  And I'm sad to say not much has changed.  That's not true.  I have learned A LOT!  My weight loss has plateaued because I haven't been actively doing my program.  But the great news is I have only gained a few pounds back!  I have been eating pretty much whatever I want the past few months and been maintaining.  What?!  Yep, maintaining.  AWESOME!

Here are some things I have learned-

1. I like to exercise.  Wait what?!  I.  Like.  To.  Exercise.  Me.  :)  Me-  who is the WORST coordinated person on the planet (mystery bruises on my body that I have no idea where they came from), Me- who never played sports or did anything athletic.  Me- who works full time, has 7 kids (Tom is included) and has no time.  Me.  I like to exercise!  Exercise makes me feel strong, have energy, and just emotionally awesome.  I never regret making time to exercise.  But I always regret not exercising.  And the best news is I never do it more than 30 minutes!  So there's no more excuses.  I love cross fit, tabata (that's only 20 minutes!), and just plain old walking....and I will say very cautiously that I maybe starting to kind of enjoy the occasional short, slow run...I'm still an angry runner but it's subsiding...a bit.  I'm a dork.


2. The scale is not my friend.  I have not lost more weight, but my body fat percentage has gone down to the lowest it has been in over 15 years!  Yay for exercise!  :)  The scale messes with my head so I haven't been using it.

3. I am not perfect.  I know, shocker right?  I had gone 6 months without going off my program and losing 70 lbs!  I was on a role. Then school started, then holidays start kicking in, then things start slipping.  It is hard to get back on 100% after slowing down.  But I did add exercise to my routine, so I was building muscle. And I have NOT given up.  Still gearing up to lose the last 50 lbs.

4. Eating crappy makes me feels crappy.  I noticed that when I ate more carbs or sugar I felt more tired, got more headaches, and thought "That was NOT worth it" every single time!!!  I think this is a really important lesson to learn.  Before trying to lose weight I never knew the effects of crappy high carb eating because that's all I knew.  I lived on carbs and sugar.  I NEVER ever felt full or sick after eating too much- what a curse right?  :(  Ugh!  But no more.  Now if I eat too much I feel it and it's gross.  It causes me pain.  I hate it.  And I bless that feeling because now I know the difference.

5. You gotta count your wins.  It's easy to be hard on ourselves and let the negative talk enter, so here's how I talk positive and count my wins- Did I eat a bread stick at Olive Garden?  Yes, BUT I didn't eat 10!  Win!  Did I have a cupcake? Yes, BUT I didn't eat 3!  Win!  Healthy choices are still affecting my family positively!  Win!  I'm still moving forward and I'm still better than I was a year ago and I'm still making changes that will last.  Win! Win! Win!

I love this motto, STOP.  CHALLENGE.  CHOOSE. 

And just a fun picture of me and my cute daughter!  :)

Hopefully it won't be another 5 months to post again...

Friday, August 29, 2014

Week 25- Still going strong!

It's been a few months.  The summer got away from me.  I thought I would have time and a routine- haha! Foolish!  I have 6 kids and we went to a funeral in New Mexico, family reunion in Colorado, Bear Lake, my brother came home from his mission to Brazil, my sister and her 2 kids visited from Hawaii, and I worked a lot.  It was a very good but BUSY summer.  School started and thus began the late nights, getting up early, stress, etc....And I still managed to lose weight!  Yay!

I am halfway to my goal!  I am down 61 lbs!  It feels like a dream, it doesn't feel real!  I am just amazed that I could do this.  I am so incredibly grateful to have a program that works so consistently!  I feel so overwhelmed because I have hope for the first time in years and years and years.

I took my girls school shopping at Maurice's (my favorite store that I cannot afford and want to work at so I can get a discount) and I took courage and tried on size 13/14 pants...and they fit!!!!  AHHHHHHH!!!!
Yes, I cried, yes I felt like my heart would burst.
You have to understand I came from years of no hope for losing weight.  I never thought this day would come and guess what?  I have hope that I WILL ACTUALLY get to my goal weight by February (or sooner)!  Crazy, exciting, dreamy!  And all without being on Biggest Loser or surgery or some other crazy diet.  It's so hard to put my feelings on paper, it's hard to describe how amazing I feel.  I'm just so happy!

I still have 59 lbs to go but I WILL DO IT!!! 

Pants that were TIGHT on me 5 months ago!

Same outfit, almost 6 months later

I'm actually crying in the picture on the left.  I hated my weight, my hopelessness.

Thanks to a great PE teacher at my school (who is doing a cross fit boot-camp for us) I started exercising this week.  I am completely thrashed and sore but it feels so awesome!  I am loving working my muscles (they've had a 10+ year break).  So I will keep you updated on how the cross fit is going.  :)

I had a Dr. appointment this summer and he said ALL my numbers have gone down to a healthy range!  He was amazed!  I wasn't surprised but so happy to hear it!  Hooray for health!!!

I'm going to try to do a post at least monthly. 

There's a health challenge coming soon- here is a video about it. They are a fun way to make health a habit.  I'm doing it.  Who's with me?  You don't have to be a client to do the challenge. 

#watchmelose  #committed

Monday, June 16, 2014

13-15 weeks- Just Keep going

Keep going, trust the program, trust the healthy habits I am building.  This is my mantra- what I tell myself all the time.
I only weigh myself once a week because I don't want the scale to control me.

And then I get on the scale on Saturday 5/31 which I was expecting not to be good because it was the last week of school...and it's down another 3 lbs!  WOOHOO!

41 lbs and 34.6 inches lost in 13 weeks.  It shocks me EVERY week!  And I have a spreadsheet where I keep all this data so I can see where I started.  I have lost 8 inches off my chest, 6.5 inches from my waist, 9.5 inches off my hips, 5 inches off each thigh!!!!  Holy crap!!!!  Do I say that too much?  But seriously!  I am a third of the way to my goal!  80 more lbs to be where I was in high school and what's crazy is this is actually "doable" with the help of my new best friend Take Shape for Life (and my health coach) My goal is to be there by Christmas!  What a present to me- getting my life back!

But the next week, 6/7, the first week of summer, I get on the scale and it hasn't moved.  Bummer! But I have lost some inches so I call that success! I'll take it.  I try to analyze the week and what I did differently to get my results.  So my evaluation of this week- I got totally sick (fever, ear infections, sinus infection), worked 2 days, didn't sleep well, didn't track my water or eating every 3 yeah that explains it.  I have also been really stressed about Tom not having a job.  I try to stay positive and hopeful but man it's hard.

Depression sucks.  I am really having a hard time right now.  When your spouse is out of a job for months and months and months and frequently over the last 8 really starts to take a toll.  Trying to save change to put a gallon of gas in the car or to get a gallon of milk REALLY hurts my positivity. I hate being poor!  I remind myself of all the things in my life that are blessings- like my family, my faith, friends, a roof over my head (for now) and those ARE the MOST important things, so why do I let myself get depressed and stressed?  I get mad at myself for not being positive.  I'm sure not having my anxiety meds for a few weeks is affecting my mood ;).  I just wish I could get this darkness out of my head.  It also affects my weight loss. AND it's compounded by my husbands' stress and depression, we're quite the pair.  I really want this to end, I hope I hurry up and learn whatever it is I am supposed to learn so we can all move on and finally start living a normal life- whatever that means.

Just keep going, one day at a time.  I am feeling good physically, now just need to fix my head and my life.  Haha.  (I'm not really laughing) I'm sure things will look better next week. 

6/14- my weight loss is now...43 lbs  :) I put on size 16 pants today!  AHHHHHH!!!!  That's 4 pants sizes smaller!  :)

We are completely in control of our own happiness! We have all known someone who appears to "have it all", yet is perpetually unhappy...nothing is ever good enough! On the other hand, we have probably all known someone who appears to be completely destitute of positive circumstances, yet beams with happiness.

We can start by wearing a smile, offering gratitude, focusing on those we love and those who love us, and actively looking for opportunities to display happiness.

Just keep going!  Just keep going! 

And here's a thought on how to tell if you're physically or emotionally hungry...

Here's to another week!  One week, one day at a time! 
#watchmelose  # committed  #escapefromobesity

Monday, May 26, 2014

Non-sick vs. Healthy

"It's never too late to be who you might have been"  George Eliot.  I love this quote!  Tom shared it with me. 

Being part of a healthy, supportive community is making a difference in my life.  I learn something new each week, it inspires me and I will start sharing things.

My current weight loss is 38 lbs and 32 inches in 12 weeks.  I still have a lot to lose.  Often the negative talk slips in and when I see pictures of me all I see is a fat girl instead of where I came from just 3 months ago.  I am on the right path and I just have to keep going and trust what I am doing.  It is working!  Each week I see positive results with the scale and measurements and that keeps me going.

The negative part of me says, "Ugh, look at you, still have a tire around your waist, look at how much the scale says!  Gross!"

So I am going to be brave and tell you where I started.  The scale said 253... 12 weeks ago.  Disgusting, despicable.  It now says 215.  I should feel good about that right?  But it makes my stomach turn and makes me cry to tell you those numbers. I slip into thinking, "I will never be healthy so just eat whatever I want, why keep trying... you'll just gain it all back every single time before."  But then I say, "No!  Look at how far you have come!  Look at the path you are on!  Look at how you feel 110% better and stronger and healthier already!"  I really have to try hard to not feed the negative thoughts.  If someone compliments me I usually say "thanks, but" Tom just told me I look awesome and I said, "Thanks, but I still have SO much to lose!"

It takes commitment to keep making healthy choices and sometimes I feel weak but still in control.  Being in control feels better than giving in to cravings, but I need to give myself an escape when I feel cravings.  So instead of eating the oreos and chips (which my family ate in front of me Friday night) I got a sugar free jello and fat free whipped topping, or I go DO something.  Cravings go away if you just acknowledge you have them and don't give them power.  It just IS what it IS.  They go away after 15 minutes, did you know that?  I didn't.  But I've tried it a few times now and it's really true.  Tell yourself you can have it in 15 minutes and go get busy doing something else, I bet you won't give in to the craving. 
My kids have watched me and said they wish they were doing the program with me (even though they are not heavy) and I worry about their self image.  So I try to focus on being healthy and not skinny.  Just because the scale says a small number does that mean you are healthy?  No!  I need to listen to my own advice! 

Here's something I learned and have been thinking about- just because you're not sick does that mean you're healthy? Just because you are skinny does that mean you're healthy?  Nope

This is from the habits of health in my program-

"If you are not sick, you are healthy, right?

That’s often how the medical world sees it. But in reality, these two states—non-sick and healthy—are vastly different.

Health is a state that requires active maintenance. It is not something you achieve and get to keep forever without additional work, even if you are at a healthy weight and not currently faced with any health challenges. When you treat health as a destination, you are in danger of yo-yoing. You put in the effort to reach your goal, but then you drift back into unhealthy because you are not continuing your healthy lifestyle indefinitely.

Non-sickness is like purgatory—simply surviving, as opposed to a healthy state of thriving. It is caused by eating an excess quantity of nutritionally barren food, which overworks the pancreas and facilitates your body’s storage of fat. Non-sickness is a state in which your muscles become weak and flabby, a state of not enough sleep and way too much stress. It’s a state that leads you to progressively depend on medications to relieve your symptoms—symptoms that are merely your body’s way of telling you that you are not healthy.

To put it another way, maintaining your health is like maintaining a car. If you lock the newest, nicest car in a garage for 40 years, it will not run like a new car if you suddenly take it out for a drive. The engine may have rusted. That battery will likely be dead. The oil probably needs changed. The rubber on the tires may be old and rotting. The dust and dirt may have damaged the paint.
Keeping a car running at peak performance requires diligent maintenance. You take it in regularly to be serviced. You change the tires. You wash and wax the exterior. A classic car may not have the glitz and glamour of the models coming off the production line, but the engine can still roar, and the body can still look great if it has been properly cared for.

Your health is similar. You have to first decide that your health is a priority and then organize your daily choices to support a new healthy lifestyle to truly maintain optimal health.
Being non-sick often leads to life-threatening illness over time, just like driving a car without ever taking it to a mechanic for an oil change will eventually lead to serious engine failure. This state on the road to obesity is sometimes referred to as pre-obesity—a more apt description of the corresponding negative health effects than the innocuous-sounding overweight.

In a state of non-sickness, time is against you. It may go unnoticed until one day you are so fatigued that you finally go to your doctor and find out you have diabetes. Your health path has led you from non-sick to sick. The bad news is that close to 90 percent of us fall into this non-sick category. The good news is that the non-sick can usually reach optimal health in a relatively short amount of time.
Your goal should not be to achieve non-sickness but to achieve vibrant, thriving health. There is a difference."

I do love seeing my before and now pictures, so here's the most recent one-

I can almost see my collar bone!  Yay! 

And I can't get over the difference in my face!

I am 1/3 of the way to my goal!  Only 6 more months to lose the rest of my weight.  I can do this!  This is the last week of school before summer starts, I hope I can be as good as I have been when my kids are all home.  Wish me luck!

#committed  #watchmelose