I let myself down, I let others down, I let my family down. :(
I guess I can't do hard things, or at least I can for a while but not sustain it. :(
Why can't I get over this? I know my body is a gift from God and my Savior died for it, so why don't I take care of it???? Why is this so hard???
I think one of the problems is that I am completely overwhelmed ALL the time, no time for me, only survival. I barely take care of my home and my job. I am always last on my list. But I really am ok with that. I love taking care of my kids at home and at school. My brother recently told me I just need to eat better and exercise. He has done really well with this, he also has more time and only 2 kids. I am happy for him. Trying to do that with no time and no energy and no sleep is virtually impossible. And being a woman also doesn't help, it seems like men can just change a few things and lose weight easier than women.
So I am back to no hope. I am back to wishing for surgery...or a tape worm. Seriously though, it would save my life. I just had a visit with my Dr. and I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, decreased liver function, and a high risk for diabetes. :( And why doesn't insurance want to save my life??? Why won't they pay for weight loss surgery??? Would they rather pay for meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and diabetes??? Or maybe they would rather have me die??? Ugh. It's so hopeless.
I want to do Medifast again but I am so scared to fail YET AGAIN at something. It is SO hard to do. It also costs money but at the same time saves money and helps our family eat better.
I am feeling so lost and overwhelmed. I am so sick of being sick and tired all the time. I need some hope. I have been looking at surgery on and off for years. It scares me to death. It has risks. but so does staying on the path I am on now.
I realize that although I cannot do hard things by myself, I CAN do hard things with God. Maybe I have been going about this all wrong? I have a trial and weakness that I cannot overcome alone. Maybe if I let God help me I can conquer this.
I will let you know what happens. Either by some miracle I come into $20k and get surgery OR I do medifast again adding some classes on top of that (weekly addiction classes through the church or weight watchers)
Wish me luck...again...and again...
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| Me and my cute family and brother at Temple Square |
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| Eating at Brick Oven |
I hate pictures of me...
I love you no matter what you look like. I hope you find the peace to feel good about yourself. Cause you are awesome.
ReplyDeleteThanks Terri! Love you too!
DeleteI love you always and forever. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Wendy! Love you!!
Deleteyes sally, you are a sweetheart and an inspiration. we ALL have our challenges. some are more internal, but we are all in the same boat trying to attain perfection. no such thing in this life, but it's worth the attempt. hang in there and keep doing what you do!! your selfless service is your legacy, not your jeans size. :)
ReplyDeleteSo sweet Sue! Thank you!!!
DeleteI hear you. Many in my life, including me struggle. I particularly hear you regarding health, pain and energy. Way more important that size. I don't know what to say except you are not alone in your struggle and to hang on and not give up making little efforts. I'm currently reading a book called Intuitive Eating and it has completely changed my relationship with food and the psychology behind eating. I'm still in the process of changing my thoughts. I HIGHLY recommend.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has always struggled with weight. Even had surgery and is still struggling. Don't give up on the little successes. Oodles of love.
Thanks Shannon! I may need to borrow that book! Love ya!
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