Beginning

If you are here, then I trust you to not judge me, but to be positive and supporting.  This is an open, honest, and safe place for me to share my journey to a healthy me. And it is not easy for me to do.

A little about me-

I'm a mom of 6 kids, 7 if you include my hubby :) Family is my priority.  I will always put them first and I don't mind that, I love doing it, it's who I am.  I have always wanted to be a mom and have a big family.  It is divine.

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints (aka Mormon), I love my faith, it is a part of everything I do,  it completes me and fills my soul.  I respect everyone in every religion.  It makes me happy if people have any faith in God in their life. Go here if you would like to know what we believe.  www.mormon.org

I love food,  I don't say no to food, I have no stop button, I never feel full, I never feel sick from over-eating, I am an emotional eater.

I have an addictive personality (whatever that means), if it weren't for my faith I'm positive I would be an alcoholic, so instead I self medicate with food and diet pepsi, I also escape with technology (apps on my phone, social media)

I am the oldest of 9 kids, I love big families!

I love being social, I love being with people.  I hate being alone.

I love nature, going to the mountains is a spiritual experience for me.

I am a special education teacher, what's your super power?  :)  I love my job, I love the kids I get to be with all day!  There's nothing like it, my students are like my own children, they are precious to me.  It is a rewarding experience!

I am a working mom- it is stressful, it's heart wrenching to drop my babies off at daycare, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I would sell my soul to be with my kids all day. (I forgot to tell you that I am a VERY dramatic, hopeless romantic who wears her emotions on her sleeve).  My life is extremely busy, like I have no time for myself, EVER, and that's the way it's been for the last 8 years when I started working full-time.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Especially being pregnant and working and having a baby that keeps you up all night for a year until said baby gets tubes and finally sleeps.  Then get pregnant again and throw up every day, multiple times a day, no sleep, and try to keep working and keep my family somewhat functioning...Sometimes I look back and say, how in the world did I make it?  How did I function?  I felt like a zombi.  People said to me all the time, "I don't know how you do it." I would say, "Look at me, I don't do it very well!" I wear my hair in a pony tail and I rarely wear makeup, just because I'm usually getting my kids ready and frankly I'd rather sleep in then get up an hour earlier to make myself look pretty.  I can look good, or my kids can look good, not both.  So I choose my kids. 

I am obese, very obese and have been obese for over 15 years. That is hard to write.  Very hard to write.  Just the word obese is disgusting to hear.  Hard for me to wrap my brain around, in my head I am thin and healthy.  I have always struggled with weight and have never been skinny.  I remember never wanting to wear shorts in high school because I hated my legs (I have wide calves, its so unfair, I'm a girl, why can't I have nice skinny calves and tiny ankles?)  I was skinny for a year before I got married because I ran twice a day.  TWICE a day.  I hate running, like hate it.  I am an angry runner.  Don't ever run with me unless you want to see my dark side...It's hard to explain.  I wish I liked running.  Maybe I will someday.  When I got married I was 120 lbs (that's running twice a day!!!) I'm also what you would call vertically challenged, I'm 5'1".  So in my mind, and on the BMI charts I should only weigh 105.  On my honeymoon I didn't want any pictures that showed my body, I remember covering up my legs!  I want to slap that girl!  I want to shake her and slap her!  Seriously?!  GAH!  Just accept your healthy body and be happy because you have NO IDEA what's coming!  That's what I want to say to that girl. 

I am ready for change.  So, I have been having babies for 15 years, never focusing on myself (and that's ok).  But now that I'm done having babies I am ready to take my body back.  I have been in denial about my weight because I don't have a full length mirror in my house, I don't take pictures or allow any pictures to be taken of me- except of my face.  If pictures do get taken I delete them or crop out my body.  So in my mind of denial I'm not as big as I actually am.  I'm still the girl who was 135-140 lbs. (before kids and not exercising)  Except my body kept breaking my denial/reality.  I have a hard time putting on shoes, forget trying to tie shoes, all my fatty fat/"Lane Giant" clothes are tight, my back and hips hurt frequently, I have plantar fasciitis, had diverticulitis (which is something OLD people get!), I can hardly do anything that requires exertion, walking up the stairs gets me out of breath, I can't play with my kids very well (it's hard for me to even sit on the floor), when my baby sits on my lap there's hardly any room for her with my front butt, I can't sit cross legged, I don't sleep well, and I have NO energy even though a constant flow of diet pepsi streams through my veins.  I don't let my hubby see me naked, I cringe when he touches me because he's feeling my disgusting fat.  It makes him very sad.  I am very thankful that he loves me for who I am and I know HE thinks I'm pretty, he tells me all the time (but I don't believe him).  Let me be clear- I hate my looks, but I don't hate myself. 

I am Desperate.  I got to the point where I was considering ordering a tape worm from Mexico.  Terrible, I know! But when you feel desperation, you start thinking crazy.  I used to dream that I was bulimic.  I have never tried anything like that and I am glad for that.  But I have tried weight watchers, the Zone, Atkins, hypnotherapy, fitness trainers, apps, workout videos, exercising, praying for help, pills, HCG shots- (which worked until I got pregnant again)- but I gave myself a shot everyday and lived on 500 cal/day for 6 weeks (I wouldn't do that again), only to gain it back PLUS more, every. single. time.  Depressing, overwhelming, hopeless, trapped- all things I felt about my weight for years and years.  And I'm sorry if you've never had to lose more than 100 lbs you will never know the depth of the hopelessness. Yes, every girl struggles and I don't know one girl in all my life that was happy with her weight.  But when you're REALLY overweight (Obese), then you feel the loss of any hope of getting over it.  It's just SO overwhelming.  Unless you've been there it's hard to describe.

I have Excuses.  I guess it's just my genes + my lack of self control + my stressful life + working full-time + my thyroid issue (why couldn't I have the one that makes you skinny?) + my lack of sleep + no time to exercise + exercise doesn't work for me unless I do 2 hrs/day + insert more excuses.  I even tried to get on biggest loser.  I needed Jillian to kick my butt because there's NO WAY I will ever lose this weight unless I can go to the biggest loser ranch and focus on myself while having Jillian scream at me.  I'd like to see Jillian come to my house, live my busy schedule and find time to get me healthy- HAHAHA!!!!

So then I heard of a health journey from my sister in law, she lost 35 lbs and kept it off.  It seemed to reset her metabolism.  I looked into it for a year.  I kept putting it off because of fear of failure of yet another thing I try that doesn't work.  I wish I wouldn't have waited so long!

I Have OPTIONS...I got to the point where it's either  1- surgery (which I can't afford and is scary), 2- die young and not see my kids grow up or be a grandma (I already picked my grandma name "Sweetie" I call all my kids sweetie and my students, so it's perfect), or 3- Try One more thing to lose weight and get healthy.  

My Dr recommended the program.  I decided to try it for one month.  I can do anything for one month.  If it works out we'll do another month.  I told myself I want to commit to 6 months.  It's my life on the line.  Any cost is my monthly prescription, it's not an option.  And it's not even that bad, I get all my food except one meal a day!  If you want to find out more please see my website on the side bar.

I am only on week 2 week of my journey, it's going to be long, it's not going to be easy, but it's already worth it.  And honestly so far, it has been easy.  I am motivated and committed.  I want this burden gone for good.  I want to be healthy, I want to thrive and not just survive.  I've been in survival mode for too many years.

Here are a few pics of my past to the present.  Some of these have never seen the light of day, they make me cringe, they make me nauseous, I want to rip them up and burn them,  it's not really me, they make me cry...

Frosh year at BYU

BYU with some great friends (I'm in the red shirt and black pants)

Engaged to my hunny

After first baby- I cried when I went clothes shopping because I had to get size 14 jeans ( I want to slap this girl too)

After 2nd baby, got used to being a little pudgy

Four beautiful babies

Teaching my cute students, but whoa...now size 16+  :(  I HATE this picture.

  :

Baby #5 and working full-time

now up to size 18 :(  :(

Baby #6 I would never change a thing, love my babies, so worth it!

Up to a size 20...one size up and 20 lbs for each baby I had, but still worth it

How did I get to this point?  How did I let this happen?  No one WANTS to be like this.  No one wants to feel ugly and hideous.  I didn't want to look like this.  No one WANTS to have a hard time doing EVERY single simple, daily thing, like putting shoes on, like walking up the stairs, like getting in your car....But you don't get fat overnight.  It happens slowly like a fog, poison seeping into your life.  One day you wake up and say, "Who is this person?  That's not me in the mirror, it can't be. And now it's too late, I can't fix this...."

First day of my health journey.  I can't believe I'm putting this picture on here!  Yuck!  I cried so much when I saw this.  Worst picture EVER.  I never see these sides to me.  :(  Seriously traumatic!  It's my screen saver on my phone as a constant reminder to not cheat on my health plan!  It works!

BUT- I can't wait to show my final pictures- it will be a few months, but I WILL get there and it will be a great day!

  So there you have it.  The beginning of my journey to a new, healthy me started 2 weeks ago and will never end.  I will never go back to being overweight, trapped, hopeless, and exhausted.  I am freeing myself from these chains.  Here's to doing hard things- overcoming weaknesses and fear of failure!  People have asked me if I will cheat.  ABSOLUTELY not!  I have "cheated" with food for 15 years, so I am DONE with cheating.  That sounds funny.  But seriously, I am NOT cheating.

#watchmelose  #committed  #thiswillbehard  #itsworthit  #willpower

Wish me luck!