Decisions

I have made a decision...


I have decided to try Medifast again AND go to Weight Watchers meetings each week.  I need to do something.  I do not have $20k for surgery so this is what I have to do for now.  And I realize this will be a lifelong struggle for me.  I have family and friends who are on my side and are a great support.  Tom is started to do this with me too, which is great!  :)  Even at work I have a bunch of people who want to do a support group and be a healthy, encouraging team.  I am trying to psych myself up because I know how hard this is going to be...

On another note, I am going to start a war with my insurance company because I think it's disgusting and wrong that they flat out DENY anyone who needs surgery OR even any weight loss programs.  There are many insurances that cover Medifast and other programs and surgeries.  Mine probably doesn't because there are so many overweight teachers and they would make no profit.  Why are there so many over weight teachers?  Because we are stressed out times a million and work 60+ hours a week and literally have no time for ourselves!  This is why we are teachers, we put others needs before our own needs.  We also don't have time to eat regularly, or use the bathroom.  I'll keep you posted on my progress if I make any...

It's Tuesday and Day 2 of Medifast.  The first 4-5 days are crucial and the worst!  Detoxing from sugar and carbs really stinks (but I am keeping my diet Pepsi because come on I need some kind of treat!)  Getting my body into a mild fat burning state is so hard, because the part of my brain that craves sugar starts a war, and it is a battle.  It's also not the best timing to start right after Easter and birthdays, with all this chocolate and cake in the house, but I just could not do one more day of living this trapped, painful, depressing way.  And I have got to stop making excuses and take care of me.

I definitely use food for comfort, and food to celebrate, and food when I'm bored, and food for social activities, and food for stress.  It kinda sucks that I can't cut out food completely like when someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they can give it up completely and avoid situations involving it.  How in the heck can I do that with food???  I cannot.  My body will always need food.  But what I can do is train my brain to have a healthy relationship with food and view it as fuel for my body.  We all deal with issues differently and since I can't/won't self medicate with drugs and alcohol I have learned to use food.  Way to go Sal.  :(

I really hope I can keep this going.  And I am really involving God this time because I need Him.  And He can help me.


Here's how I feel seeing yummy Costco cake and Easter candy all over my house...

I am now done with DAY 3 and so far everyone has survived.  Hooray!  Although I have warned my family to tread lightly around me...I am really cranky and really tired.

If I can make it through the first week I can make it all the way.  :)

Ok, Maybe I can't..

It's now been 2 years this month since I started Medifast and lost 70 lbs! And 1 year since I transitioned to regular food.  And...I gained back all my weight plus 20 lbs.  I must've missed it...  :(

I let myself down, I let others down, I let my family down.  :(

I guess I can't do hard things, or at least I can for a while but not sustain it.  :(

Why can't I get over this?  I know my body is a gift from God and my Savior died for it, so why don't I take care of it????   Why is this so hard???

I think one of the problems is that I am completely overwhelmed ALL the time, no time for me, only survival.  I barely take care of my home and my job.  I am always last on my list.  But I really am ok with that.  I love taking care of my kids at home and at school.  My brother recently told me I just need to eat better and exercise.  He has done really well with this, he also has more time and only 2 kids.  I am happy for him.  Trying to do that with no time and no energy and no sleep is virtually impossible.  And being a woman also doesn't help, it seems like men can just change a few things and lose weight easier than women. 

So I am back to no hope.  I am back to wishing for surgery...or a tape worm.  Seriously though, it would save my life.  I just had a visit with my Dr. and I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, decreased liver function, and a high risk for diabetes.  :(  And why doesn't insurance want to save my life???  Why won't they pay for weight loss surgery???  Would they rather pay for meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and diabetes???  Or maybe they would rather have me die???  Ugh.  It's so hopeless.

I want to do Medifast again but I am so scared to fail YET AGAIN at something.  It is SO hard to do.  It also costs money but at the same time saves money and helps our family eat better. 

I am feeling so lost and overwhelmed.  I am so sick of being sick and tired all the time.  I need some hope.  I have been looking at surgery on and off for years.  It scares me to death.  It has risks.  but so does staying on the path I am on now.

I realize that although I cannot do hard things by myself,  I CAN do hard things with God.  Maybe I have been going about this all wrong?  I have a trial and weakness that I cannot overcome alone.  Maybe if I let God help me I can conquer this.

I will let you know what happens.  Either by some miracle I come into $20k and get surgery OR I do medifast again adding some classes on top of that (weekly addiction classes through the church or weight watchers)

Wish me luck...again...and again...

Me and my cute family and brother at Temple Square

Eating at Brick Oven

I hate pictures of me...